Lawnmower Deth - The Return Of The Fabulous Metal Bozo Clowns

Artist: Lawnmower Deth
Release: The Return Of The Fabulous Metal Bozo Clowns


1. The Return Of The Fabulous Metal Bozo Clowns

Bring back denim
With lovely patches on
And stupid girly bonnets
And Donny Osmond
Do you really know
What I’d like to twat
Are those seventies glam bands
With haircuts so crap

You think you had attitude
Did you think you were tough
You’ve got to be joking
With haircut like muff
Now you’ve passed on
All your worldly skills
To the next generation
Who think its a thrill
To block up my lungs
Block up the gents
With lipstick and hairspray
Where are the men?
Did you leave behind
As your symbol token
A load of crap songs
And a lamp post that was broken?

You’re always played at weddings
At New Year, bar mitzvahs and charity
Just fuck off back into the seventies
And stop plaguing me
Especially when I turn on the TV
And there you are again
On a naff clothing advert
Well it’s improved, it’s full of women

It’s the return of the metal bozo clowns
It’s the return of the metal bozo clowns
It’s the return of the metal bozo clowns
It’s the return of the metal bozo clowns

Here it comes
The big clown rap
About those seventies people I want to slap
Van der Graaf and Atomic Rooster are first in line
For a sawn off shooter
Next in line Noddy Holder and Slade
How much cash
Do they want to make
Merry Christmas Everybody
That record is truly sorry

They just keeping re-releasing
Every year it sounds even more appalling
The seventies go down In history
As a shameful embarrassing memory
Joker bands for the weak and feeble
The only saving grace was Pan’s People
At least a few were truly great
They escaped the glamorous glittered fate
Johnny Lydon, Stiv Bator
MC5 or The Dictators
But they keep re-releasing
Every year it sounds even more appalling

It’s the return of the metal bozo clowns
It’s the return of the metal bozo clowns
It’s the return of the metal bozo clowns
It’s the return of the metal bozo clowns

2. Jaggered Wedge

I spend all my money
On beer, sweeties and porn
I part with cash with china milkwomen
Rocking until the dawn

At the end what have I left
Fuck all, just a jaggered wedge

I wake with an overhang
Sore knob and a beer back
Did I really spend all that dosh
In a frenzied moolah attack

At the end what have I left
Fuck all, just a jaggered wedge

Ooh, oooh oooh ooh
Just a jaggered wedge
Ooh, oooh oooh ooh
Just a jaggered wedge

At the end what have I left
Fuck all, just a jaggered wedge

3. Bad Toad

I said Bob
What you doin’ there
Sat in the fridge
With your balding greasy hair
Lookin’ like a doughnut
Big fat and blown up

I said
What ya trying to do
Give me a scare
Sitting there
With raspberries in your hair
It’s not fair

Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Are you a toad in the hole
Larding round and getting old
Or have you been drinking bongwater
Or what!

4. Feetcleaner

I’ve paid my money
So where’s my swag
I’ve paid good money
For a regal shag

You’re breasts are pert
And you smell so sweet
So why do you wash
My rancid feet?

I fell for you my love
And your girl-like charm
It’s a shame that my feet
Smell like a pig farm

They came between us
Tore us apart
So cleanse my tootsies
Make them unarmed
Feetcleaner

They came between us
Chiropadise
Is to compromise
So my love so sweet
Can get past my feet

The course of true love
It never ran straight
‘Cos I’ve been taken away
From my primal mate

She was a tart I was in a band
But at least I rooted
Her sweaty gland
They came between us tore us apart

So cleanse my tootsies make them unarmed
Got to get up I’ve gotta get up
What?
What?
What?
Got to get up
Woof woof woof
Feetcleaner
They came between us

5. Drunk In Charge Of An Ugly Face

Went out drinking late last night
Had some beers, it affected my sight
Stopped by the law for jumping a light
Took down the station and read my rights
He said
Drunk in charge of an ugly face
You’re banned for life, it’s a fucking disgrace

6. Paranoid Poloroid

She was just seventeen
If you know what I mean
When she appeared unclean
In a gentlemen’s magazine

I was at the barbers shop
Getting my hair cut
Picked up amateur photographer
Just for a quick look
There on the pages
Spread in front of me
To my untimely horror
Was virginal sweet Shirley
Lying there in a bath of milk

She’s showing skin as smooth as silk
With her legs spread akimbo
My daughter’s a naked bimbo
My daughter’s a naked bimbo

Out of the hairdresser (hairdresser)
Pent full of rage (rage, rage)
My daughter’s image (image)
I have to save (save, save)
Down to the newsagent (agents)
Full speed and stealth (stealth, stealth)
I’ll buy every copy (copy)
Wipe out the top shelf (shelf, shelf)

Paranoid
Polaroid did your daddy read up on his Freud!
Then I’ll confront Shirley
And ask her what’s the game
Why her legs were round her neck
Has she got any shame?

”I didn’t know what I was doing
Honestly I didn’t
Daddy, he just came in through the front door camera, smiles all happy”
Said ”Little girl, it’s flesh for cash
So grab your matey and get in the bath”

Nobody will ever find out
Why don’t you use a false name
Like Sue from Durbon or Rod, Freddy or Jane
But you know that I found out
Because in that mag I peeked
So bugger off up to bed
And no supper for a week

7. Frash For Cash

Are we in it for the kids?
No way
Frash for cash
Frash for cash

8. Crazy Horses

[The Osmonds cover]

There’s a message floatin’ in the air
Comes from crazy horses ridin’ everywhere
It’s a warning, it’s in every tongue
Gotta stop them crazy horses on the run

What a show, there they go smokin’ up the sky, yeah
Crazy horses all got riders, and they’re you and I
Crazy horses
Crazy horses
Crazy horses

Never stop and they never die
They just keep on puffin’, how they multiply
Crazy horses, will they never halt?
If they keep on movin’ then it’s all our fault

What a show, there they go smokin’ up the sky, yeah
Crazy horses all got riders, and they’re you and I
Crazy horses
Crazy horses
Crazy horses

So take a good look around, see what they’ve done, see what they’ve done

Crazy horses
Crazy horses
Crazy horses
Crazy horses

9. Enter mr Formica (Icky Icky Part II)

It’s been a while
Since you last met me Aeons ago
An’ ooh crikey
Right back then
I was a boring git
Who had a social life
As rare as a rocking horse shit

Bob fucking Catley
Was barely the word
Nuno Bettencourt
A right flamin’ nerd
But now I’ve returned
A true nineties bloke
Because I’ve risen my head
An even bigger joke

My name’s Mr. Formica
My middle name is probably Keith
I’ve got my flash & Mr. Sheen
I am now armed to the teeth
To cook the food
And watch the kids
Wash out the undies
Remove the skids
Polish the windows
And then watch this morning
Go flower arranging
I’m right fuckin’ boring

The moral of this story
Is don’t listen to bands who are shit
Like Magnum for example
‘Cos you’ll become a real wet git
At the start of this song
My life had improved
But I’ve just realised
That it hasn’t

10. Lawnmowers For Heroes Comics For Zeroes

I hate comics, they suck the big one
I long for the day when Marvel is long gone
Comics are for pre-pubescent moronic slime
Who’ve got nothing better to do with their time

The one I most hate is Superman
An underpant wearing flying phallic gland
On Krypton he collects his strength and girth
I wish he’d been aborted at birth

I hate Dan Dare and the Mekon with no hair
They live in space
I wish they’d stay up there, stupid comics full of space ships
I’d rather read a magazine full of gardening tips

Batman and Robin help people out a tight spot
Batman and Robin so fucking what
They live in Gotham, what do they want, a clap?
If they lived in Bradford they’d still be crap

Swamp thing I really do despair
Looks like a marshmallow with seaweed of hair
What kind of hero is that supposed to be
A walking giant sea anemone

Come and join me in the human race
Where there’s no super heroes in cartoon space

11. Urban Surfer 125

Urban Surfer 125
You’re not staying alive
Staying alive, staying alive, ah ha
Ha ha staying alive
You will not survive

Fat Controller wearing bowler
Stroke the boiler
Jenny Agutter
Fat Controller wearing bowler
Stroke the boiler Jenny Agutter

Jump on the roof
Dislodge a tooth
You stupid youth
Climb on the ran
Get a sun tan
On the guards van

Oh no, you are dead
You got a bridge right in the head
Urban surfer 125
You’re not staying alive
You will not survive
Scum like you deserve to die
Squirting blood, ten foot high

12. A Is For Asswipe

All right me old asswipe
With your blinded vision
Staring out of your tunnelled blinkered world
Narrow minded blinkered fool
It’s no surprise to me
That you can barely see
More than three or four feet
Right in front of thee

Bigoted pre-concieved ideas
Yes you are a complete asswipe
A totally wild and dangerous man
Mixing and testing with ideology
Dealing your drugs and singing in bands

Down on your luck, scraping for cash
Feeding the masses with polluted stash
Injecting the serum from you to the half-wit
The toxic milkshake will bulge out your wallet

Ac-cept your crime, OK me old asswipe
The system has decided
It won’t hear of this
They’ll put a stop to it
It’s not good enough for you
To serve out national justice
You were right and they were wrong
So you’ll become an anarchist

Listen, sing in your band
A better life for a growing man
Don’t preach your blinkered tribe
‘Cos you are a grade A asswipe
You came
We saw
We laughed
In your face

13. Sorrow (So Dark So Scared)

Oooh yeah
C’mon
Wolf child
Cavernous
An opening expanse
Circle it
With a macabre dance
Ridicule
That troubled furrow
Wipe away
Those tears of sorrow

Sorrow
So dark
So scared
Sorrow
Oooh yeah
C’mon
Wolf child

14. Goldfish Podge

Goldfish podge
Keeper of the deep
Knows to take
His two veg and meat

Give him burgers
In a nice fresh bun
Set the cat on him
See the fucker run

Knick knack paddy wack
Give the fish a bone
You fat bastard
Your stomach’s really grown

Here comes H
He’s Captain Golden, golden fry
Gonna pop you with his fork
And turn you into pie

You stupid fool
You should have known
A goldfish shouldn’t
Weigh ten stone

15. RF Potts

A four core cable with a copper screen
It makes me melt
Like a warm ice cream
A three pin plug with a negative earth
Watch me swell to an amazing girth
Watch me swell to an amazing girth

Red one
Green one
It doesn’t really matter
Makes my orgasms
Come with a real splatter
Come with a real splatter

Electrical highways, bulging with power
The positive charges would make some cower
Talking wiring makes some folk tire
But I’d give all for a bit of wire
But I’d give all for a bit of wire

A soldered joint I say, hey that’s nice
A connecting plug and I’ll look twice
Blue
Tack frenzy is what we need
To make one really chuck my seed
To make one really chuck my seed

The thing about my little fetish
Is that when I feel I’m getting a little peckish
For a flex of multicore fantasy spanking
I look in the TV for some wire wanking
I look in the TV for some wire wanking

16. Wormy Eyes

We apologise that the lyrics for this track are currently unavailable…

17. Be Scene Not Heard

Scene, what scene?

18. Egg Sandwich

Two slices of bread
Loads of butter
A big fat egg
What’s that make?
Egg sandwich

19. Anyone For Tinnies

It’s the time
Last orders chime
Closing time
Toll the bell
Don’t panic
Last order bell
Before I roam I feel my mouth
Begin to foam
It’s not too late
To get some tins

Seal my fate, I need to quench my raging thirst
There’s plenty more cash in my purse
I say bartender, re-open the bar straight away
I believe a lock-in is order of the day
Anyone for lock-ins?!

I don’t see why landlords got the buff
Lock-ins are great
I was perfectly chuffed
I was perfectly chuffed

Why is he wielding that bat
The one of the baseball variety
This puts pay to my play
The twist of my sobriety

Well that did nothing for my nerves
What a terrible fright
I’ll go and find a liquor store
In the dead of the night

Anyone for tinnies
There’s ducks in my mouth
An alcoholic drought
My nerves are in tatters
Inebriation is all that matters

What is the problem with the world?
All I want is to have a drink
Pour that brew right down my neck
I don’t ask much I don’t think

So off we go, back to my place
Open my fridge and peer within
On comes the light, look round the lettuce
My fridge is full, it’s tinnies heaven

Grab a four pack and a few tins more
On with the telly, slump on the floor
The Hitman and Her I thankfully missed
Who gives a sod, I’m totally pissed

20. King Of The Pharaohs

Pointy pyramids
Tornado planes
War ensemble
Jesus saves
Sensationalism
Video stars just for a cheap buck
You pushed too far

21. Illinois Enema Bandit

I’m a sick and perverted man
I get my kicks with a watering can
A length of hose to make things flow
A one man anal fountain show
A bowel of water to be let out
Let me pull on your sphinctal spout
I’m the Illinois enema bandit

I will make your rectum sick
I’m the Illinois enema bandit
I will make your rectum sick

I’m a sick and perverted man
I get my kicks with a watering can
A length of hose to make things flow
A one man anal fountain show
Administer young women
In a novel way
It’s quite amusing to see
What the papers say
The next morning
On the girlie’s tunnel
I leave my calling card
On her anal funnel

22. Fookin Moo Vit

Ay ay ay
Fookin’ moo vit