Ooh Crikey It's... Lawnmower Deth

1. Spook Perv Happenings In The Snooker Hall

Pointy teeth as sharp as blades
Ray Reardon haircut fallen from grace
Pointy sticks – they make him mad
‘Cos Dracula was our Ray’s dad
Spook, perv, snooker hall

Crowley once challenged Ray to a game
Losing your soul was the paying stake
Crowley used garlic, brightstone and fire
‘Cos fucking Ray Reardon is a vampire
Ray Reardon, Ray Reardon
We are all doomed
Spook, Perv, snooker hall

Referee, come clean the white
Dracula he makes a bite

2. Betty Ford's Clinic

It’s that time of year
It’s time to go abroad
It’s time to go on holiday
And visit Betty Ford’s
Get some beers right down my neck
I’m gonna get right out of my head
I can’t help it, I’m not pure
But Betty Ford’s will have the cure

Alcohol at Betty Ford’s
Alcohol at Betty Ford’s
Alcohol at Betty Ford’s
Alcohol at Betty Ford’s…..

It’s cost me loads of money
Money I could have blown
On buying loads of heroin
But now I’ve been to Betty Ford’s
Nearly all my life
I’m coing to copy Uzzy
And go and kill my wife

3. Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down

Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down
Weebles are around
Don’t fall down
Weeble wobble, weeble wobble
Weeble wobble, weeble wobble
Weeble wobble, weeble wobble
Don’t fall down

4. Sheepdip

All year long we get a rough deal
Chewing at grass, enslaved in fields
Mowers in jumpers we’re destined to be
Slaughtered and turned into Big Mac of Wimpy

Baaaa
Larry Lamb is God
Bugger off
Ariba, ariba
Le ou
Bollocks!

Out of the sheepdip we must now rise
Destroy the state we so despise
With barbed glove in hand we’ll destroy the bastards
As sheep lobby breaks free of pasture
Here he comes, he won’t stop bleeding
Malicious rebellion, farmer retreating
Crocogator, sheep war cry
One moon gun, the farmer must die

All year long we get a rough deal
Chewing at grass, enslaved in fields
Mowers in jumpers we’re destined to be
Slaughtered and turned into Big Mac of Wimpy

5. Lancer With Your Zancer

When King Arthur sat down
On the river bank
He had a mighty vision
It really was quite wank
Lancer with your zancer

Oi, Arthur
Come over here
Take thy sword
Now fuck off

Now so off he went
Back to see his one and only Gwendoline
In his hand he held
His sword and a pot of Vaseline

He thought it was time
To try and prove that he really was a man
He thought it was quicker
Getting home in the back of a Transit van

In he walked, up the stairs
Found his Mrs wearing flares
He was not pleased, you could tell
He dropped his sword, the Vaseline fell

Hey, Arthur, you’re my man
If you can’t do it, no-one can
I like your sword, it feels so good
Don’t you think we should be stood?

Here we go dear, here’s my hand
Let me place it on your gland
Come on dear, take my stick
And with it I’ll show you a trick

Come on dear, I’m getting angry
And my zance is becoming dangly
Then it’s time we ate,
I’ll give you your dinner on a plate

The sword was needed no more
So he dropped it onto the floor
Into the corner it started to cower
‘Cos his sword was losing power

This is a story that must be told
To all of you, young and old
If you’re going to use your lancer
Make sure it’s got a big zancer

6. Can I Cultivate Your Groinal Garden

Can I cultivate your groinal garden?

7. Flying Killer Cobs From The Planet Bob

Too much too high
You smoke, you die
Flying killer cobs from the Planet Bob
His mega mental shooter stuck in your gob
Flying killer cobs from the planet Bob
You’re in big troud now, you’re starting to sob

Just one smoke that’s all it takes
Take a couple of drags, see purple lakes
You’ve smoked too much, you’re starting to sob
Now you’re going to answer to the planet of cobs

His teeth are sharp, his teeth are big
The chainsaws he uses, ain’t not for cutting twigs

Too much, too high
You smoke, you die

Hey, what’s the problem with drugs these days
I mean, what the fuck does it matter
If I get a goddamn acid tablet
And shove it down the end of my penis

Too much, too high
You smoke, you die

Flying killer cobs from the Planet Bob
His mega mental shooter stuck in your gob
Flying killer cobs from the Planet Bob
You’re in big troud now, you’re starting to sob

8. Did You Spill My Pint?

Stood next to me
The first degree
I saw the fall
And hit the floor

Did you spill my pint?
I’ve got no beer
It means I’m queer
I’ll start a fight
Punch out your lights

Did you eat my Dou-bial burger?

9. Seventh Church of The Apocalyptic Lawnmower

Enter the church
See the death
Hear the lawnmower
On Satan’s breath

Enter the church of the Apocalyptic Lawnmower

Rape the virgin
Blades destroy the cross
Blood, gore and carnage
The lawnmower mosh

Enter the church of the Apocalyptic Lawnmower

Decomposing grassboxes
Carnage, blood and gore
Satanistic lawnmowers
Craving for more

Enter the church of the Apocalyptic Lawnmower
Bob Marley
Aghhh!

10. Rad Dude

Don’t talk to me about your scene
And that anarcho ideas are more than dreams
You’ve got a board and a baseball hat
Don’t fill me with your right on crap

So you’ve got a board – rad dude
And you listen to SOD – rad dude
And the scene is heaven – rad dude
You’re only eleven – rad dude

No meat, no food, no sex
You never get the opportunity to shop at Next
You wish you were a big puffy glam
Then you wouldn’t have to give a damn
Then I could spray my hair
About the ozone layer, I wouldn’t care
Then I wish I was glam
Then I wouldn’t give a damn
Then I could spray my hair
The ozone layer I don’t care
Rad dude
I’m the rad dude

11. Sumo Rabbit And His Inescapable Trap Of Doom

When Sumo Rabbit was let out of his hutch
You couldn’t believe a rabbit looked to butch
His muscles ripped, there is death within his eyes
Other forms of life are things he does despise

Sumo Rabbit goes to nightclubs to kick some trendy ass
Thye drinks Nuclear Brown so he can have the glass
Then without a warning, he crushes it in his paw
Then without a flicker, he’ll stuff it in your jaw

Then he goes to a food-bar to hassle the fuckin’ owner
He starts by telling others that they are all
Then he has some food but won’t pay lot the bill
Then to top the lot he goes in for the kill

Sumo
Into the fighting ring to everyone’s surprise
Sumo throws a rabbit turd between his opponent’s eyes
With a crash and an ear-splitting squeak
For his opponent, it’s the end of the fuckin’ week

12. Maim Mower Maim

Big
Green
Hungry
Mean
Maim mower, maim

In your garden on your lawn
With your mower
Bobbing along doing jobs
Thinking life’s just fine

You bend down, the mower frowns
You wonder why you bother
You bend down, the mower frowns
The last thing that you do

Blades are turning, burning, churning
Ripping at your flesh
Crashing, thrashing, mashing, bashring
Taking your last breath

Big
Mean
Hungry
Greeb
Maim mower, maim

13. Cobwoman Of Death Meets Mr Spellymop

Cobwoman of substance
Bring me a cheese scone
Filled with yummy entrails
Let me devour your ice cream buns

Peroy Thrower hamburgers dear
Pork pies filled with Roy Kinnear
Annie Lennox little baby
Covered with onions with lots of gravy
Mega-fast with clinically insane inane ramblings

Cobwoman of Deth meets Mr. Smellymop
With this cheese cob I’ll save the nation
Save my tummy from starvation
Do you wanna thrash?
Cobwoman of Deth meets Mr. Smellymop

14. Got No Legs? Don't Come Crawling To me

You’ve got no legs
Don’t come crawling to me

15. Icky Ficky

One, two, three, four
My name’s Mr. Normaltyon
I’m just an ordinary type of bloke
My life’s mundane, I hate my job
My life’s mundane, I’m such a knob

I don’t go icky ficky
I don’t go icky ficky ficky
I don’t go bling, dong, bling, dong
I don’t go ough, ahh, ough, ahh
I don’t go biddleiddleiddleiddle
I don’t go one, three, four

My name’s Mr. Normaltyon
I’m just an ordinary type of bloke
My life’s mundane, I hate my job
My life’s mundane, I’m such a knob

16. Judgement Day (Assume The Position)

My boss at work
Is such a twat
He wants to spank my bottom
With a cricket bat

He says he’ll use
A Gunn and Moore
And spank my bottom ’til
It’s really sore

Ooh he spanks me more and more
‘Til my bottom bleeds red raw

17. Ooh Crikey

Ooooooooohhhhh
Crikey!

18. Satan's Trampoline

Big and fat and bouncy
Rectangle on the floor
You bounce and bounce
‘Till you can’t take anymore
You’ll bounce forever
You try and look so mean
You’ll wish you’d never been on Satan’s trampoline

How he’s gone and got you
He’s got you and got you
He’s got you where he wants
Dressed in shorts and vest
You look like a real ponce
You’ll bounce forever
You try and look so mean
You’ll wish you’d never been on Satan’s trampoline

How many times can you bounce up and down on Satan’s big old trampoline?
I do not know, but I’ll let you have a go on Satan’s big old trampoline

19. Dodo Doe

Who cares if it’s fiction of fact?
The editorial management, they know where it’s at

Power to crush, power to praise
They are lost in a dimwitted daze

Originallity really sucks
Don’t mean nothing in their books

Cliched bands to a written formula
Guaranteed press writing orders

Who cares if it’s fiction of fact?
The editorial management, they know where it’s at

Electricfy, crucify
They create, masturbate
Thrashing mad, really bad
Crucify, destroy and die
Crucify, destroy and die

20. Duck Off

Quack
Quack, quack
Quack
Quack, quack, quack
Quack
Quack, quack, quack
Quack
Quack, quack, quack
Quack

[Gunfire]

21. FAT (Facist And Tubby)

Is that your gut?
Or the front of a bus?
You should be ashamed of yourself
You look like a balloon
‘Cos you’re so full of lard
It’s good for none of our health
You fat bastard
Fascist and tubby

22. Punk As Fuck

Punk
As
Fuuuuuucccckkkk!

23. Sharp Fucka Blades Of Hades

N/A

(”General defarmatory remarks about Satan, people I don’t like, and egg and cress sandwiches, none of which make the blindest bit of difference, ‘cos you can’t understand a bloody word of it anyway!”)

24. March Of The Mods

[Instrumental]

25. Motorhead

[Motorhead cover]

Sunrise, wrong side of another day
Sky high and six thousand miles away
Don’t know how long I’ve been awake

Wound up in an amazing state
Can’t get enough
And you know it’s righteous stuff
Goes up like prices at Christmas
Motorhead, you can call me Motorhead, alright

Brain dead, total amnesia
Get some mental anaesthesia
Don’t move, I’ll shut the door and kill the lights
I guess I’ll see you all on the ice
All good clean fun
Have another stick of gum
Man, you look better already
Motorhead, remember me now Motorhead, alright

Fourth day, five day marathon
We’re moving like a parallelogram
Don’t move, I’ll shut the door and kill the lights
If I can’t be wrong I must be right
I should be tired
And all I am is wired
Ain’t felt this good for an hour
Motorhead, remember me now, Motorhead alright

26. Stress (Temple Tension Mix)